Let's mark this day with a cocktail

I realize my posts have become very sporadic and I apologize for the decrease. However, I have a small dilemma of being a pretty private person while also trying to keep you entertained with my escapades. When it was a completely anonymous blog, that worked but as more of you know who I am and who I could at times be writing about, it became more difficult. So, just know that if anything humorous or newsworthy happens, I’ll let you in on it…in time.


As someone who has been very fortunate to have lived a very happy life, I haven’t had to recognize many sad anniversaries. I think about my grandparents on their birthdays, and will think about the miscarriages I have had but don’t have days that mark a tragedy. Except for one. And, really, it isn’t a tragedy, but 3 years after my move from Alex’s house, this weekend still marks an anniversary for me…and one I can’t help but think about. And, that pisses me off!

Yes, harsh words from someone who considers “sugar fries” her only swear word. But, I think I am pissed for numerous reasons. One, financially, I’m still struggling to recover from that decision and every month think about how stupid I was…but, hey, it is only money, right?

Second, how is it that 3 years later I still am alone? I realize this isn’t actually a bad thing…and, it is partly by choice. As my dating boss just recently told me, I could have a date any night of the week if I really wanted it…but is that what I’m looking for? No!! I want someone who gets me, understands what I need and wants me in my life…like a lot!

And, finally, and this is the one that probably makes me madder than anything else, I realize that I was forever changed by my time with Alex. Yes, every situation we are in, every relationship we have, leaves a small mark on us but this relationship completely changed my love armor. I used to be tough, walls taller than that famous one in China and truly, I didn’t worry if someone was going to break my heart because I never stuck around long enough for it to happen. That person has been replaced by someone whose skin isn’t as thick, who has long bouts of insecurity and can’t seem to find body armor that covers her heart. And, I have to tell you, that really bugs me! Yes, it is probably good to feel and not be heartless where men are concerned but not if it means I can get hurt, right? I felt fine being the love em and leave em kind of gal before! (okay, maybe my therapy bill was much higher then but my wine bill was less!)

Don’t worry, I’m not regretting my decision to leave…I swear! I’m just using this anniversary to wonder what is in store for me next…and really, why can’t I just direct it to be exactly what I want?

The world according to Glee....

I realize as one reads this blog, you might start to wonder if all of my pearls of wisdom come from same crazy television show geared to appeal to the EMO crowd but I have to say some of the messages actually have merit. And, really, if we think about it, I am willing to bet we could all find something in a television show to relate to…it is why we watch them.


I watch Glee…I admit it. I watch it, I love it, I cry, I laugh and every once in a while I even miss high school…not often but sometimes. I miss the football games. I miss my BFF. I miss the pom poms. Wait, this is not about high school!! This was about a much more important thing…Glee! In all honesty, Glee did make me seriously think about choices I have made in my life, and while I try very hard to never regret things I have done as they are all part of who I am today, it is hard to not wonder at the steps that have led me to where I am. And yes, I did get all of this while watching a show that includes a mean aging pregnant cheerleading coach as a character.

Why is it that I had all the patience in the world while I was staying in a relationship where my partner threw things when he was mad, cheated on me openly, would tell me that if I didn’t take care of him someone else would but now that I am ready to move on in my life with someone else, I am the most impatient person in the world? Really?! If I had all the time in the world to waste on someone who truly didn’t appreciate me nor was willing to care about me the way I deserved, why can’t I wait to meet someone who does and will?

Yes, I am an instant gratification kind of gal most of the time…I don’t like lines at Starbucks, will buy the hard bound version of a book I really want and yes, if I am really worried about how a story will end, will read the last page first. Because of these tendencies, I would normally understand my lack of interest in waiting for the right guy to come along but as I was watching Glee with my daughter and she states “Beast needs to leave her mean husband. What is she waiting for?”, I realized I needed to tap into that patience again….and this time for the right reason.

Yes, I’m scared I’m going to end up alone with sweater wearing dogs and talking to the vegetables at Safeway but really, is that a rational fear right now? I’m 43, a little less fluffy than I was 4 months ago, fun, witty and on a good day resemble Elisabeth Shue…so maybe I can be patient a little longer. And, if I start to get antsy, I just need to watch Glee, with my 10 year old daughter and wait for the insight to hit me upside the head.

Stirred...not shaken

When Sean Connery says “Shaken, not stirred” in his oh so sexy brogue, we ladies swoon. A well shaken, well made martini really is just the perfect picture of high class…although I like my class a little dirty so throw in some olives, will you please? Anyhow, that line is definitely one of the most recognizable in movie history. However, I am very pleased to tell you that today “Stirred, not shaken” is much much better.


No, I haven’t taken to drinking my days away with a stiff martini (although that doesn’t sound bad), I’m actually referring to my state of mind after a very interesting day of random texts received. As many of you know, my life has actually been pretty full of sunshine and roses lately (well, really, I’m kind of always happy…like an annoying Barbie doll…just about 5 inches shorter with lots more hips) but truly, I’m just in a good place and enjoying it. Which is why I think I must have been emitting some sort of aura into the air (not pheromones...well…maybe pheromones…yes, I am one of those who has totally been hooked onto the 50 Shades of Grey series…bring on the mommy-porn) as I must have let the universe know I’m happy and could really be thinking about being happy with someone else. That aura traveled and landed in the strangest place…Alex’s phone!!

Yes, Alex! After 6 months I get a completely random text yesterday about mail that was delivered to his house and he was going to put it in the mail to me at work. Now, before you think maybe this is just his way of being nice, remember, I’ve been gone from that house almost 3 years…do you think this is the first time mail has been delivered there? Uh…no! I’m sure that mail just found its way to the trash can. But, now when I actually have goofy smiles thinking about someone else, he decides to get in touch?! And, that was it…just that one 15 word text. And, while I did analyze it and immediately text my dating boss, what I didn’t do is drop the phone or start to shake uncontrollably. No, I actually just texted back my new work address and “thanks”. Check me out with my bad self. Of course, it is almost 24 hours later and I’m still writing you about it but think about the progress I have made. That is what I’m taking from this.

You did notice, right, that I said random texts (plural)?? Yes, also out of the blue I get a text from a newly separated Jersey Shore Chef who was “a mess” because his agent/girlfriend was coming with him to California this summer. Oh…okay…and this is a problem why? I am pretty sure there was no coffee delivery service to his hotel room in my summer plans as soon as I saw the “married” status on his FB page last summer. Guys really are dumb sometimes. If entire middle eastern revolutions can be galvanized through the wonder of Facebook, don’t they think women can use the same technology to find out if a guy is married?! The answer is yes! I replied with a quick “No worries…pretty sure my schedule for that weekend keeps me from the cook off stage anyhow”. Yes, he’ll see me flit across the park, but hey, it sucks to lose.

So, as you can tell, there is a spring in my step, a sass in my swagger and a little more attitude than usual. One could chalk it up the Diet Coke & Hot Tamales I had for lunch but really, I think it is the new/old me here to stay.

Danger...Curves Ahead

I love to drive. I mean it, I think I could have been a race car driver in a past life. But, not one of those who just goes around a track, but instead one like in Europe where they go through mountains. I’m sure there is a word for that type of race but I just can’t think of it right now. Or, I could just have done one of those races in Smoky in the Bandit. Anyhow, my point is, I like to drive. I open up my sun roof, play the music really loud, sing at the top of my lungs and well, drive fast. So, it makes sense that I will use a driving analogy today for my current state of mind.


There have been times in my life where I’ve either owned or just driven a sports car and would find myself looking forward to trips that would take me into the mountains, on curvy roads and would inhale just a little deeper whenever I’d see the “Danger, Curves Ahead” road signs. Those curves are fun, and I’d enjoy navigating my way through the turns and twists at just the right speed…knowing when to take my foot off the gas a little and anticipating when to speed up…ensuring the car was hugging the pavement just so and avoiding unwanted relationships with oncoming traffic. The curves were a nice break from the long straight-aways where, even though I could drive faster, there was no real excitement and I didn’t have to really think about my actions other than to just keep it between the lines. But, the reason those curves were fun was because they were just part of the trip, not the whole journey. I needed the straight-aways to balance out the curves. And, now, in a time of curves ahead, I am glad I’ve had a few years of straight-aways to prepare me.

If you have read this blog at all, you know I am a control freak who has not relinquished control over my heart very often…actually not often at all as many of you can attest and have approached dating very cautiously over the past 3 years. And, while I’m still operating under the yellow flag, I can say I am feeling the adrenaline rush of knowing there are dangerous curves ahead because I think I could really like the hot electrician. I won’t bore you with his many attributes as you’ve read them all before but now I think he is starting to see mine. But, and this is where my anxiety comes in, I am so not in control of this. He doesn’t send me the daily texts (or even weekly) telling me how fabulous I am. He isn’t going to wear his heart on his sleeve. And, he isn’t going to just show me how enamored he is with my charm, my wit and my slightly less fluffy body. And, before you get all worked up wondering why I’m interested then, remember, if he did all of those things I wouldn’t go out with him again. We all know this to be true. I need to not be in the driver’s seat for anything real to work.

I’ve lived the past 3 years in various stages…first stage, start breathing again after leaving Alex, second stage, breathe and take cautious steps forward with my life, third stage, explore what my new world has to offer and enjoy it but don’t let your heart get involved and now, I guess, we may be at stage four. This is the stage where if I want to see if something could be real I need to actually let myself feel and just hope for the best. Yes, I could get hurt again. But, as I said to myself yesterday “I got over Alex. I can get over anything”. So, here I am, strapping on my racing helmet, cranking up the tunes and headed straight for the curves. Gentlemen, start you engines…and wish me luck!

Think like a man

I’ve been surprised by the silly uproar I’ve heard regarding the title of some new movie called “Think Like a Man”. Granted, I think women often get waaaayy to worked up over things that are said and, in this case, I think women are definitely missing the boat. We do need to think more like men because honey, they aren’t going to start thinking like women. Nor would we want them to.


With age comes wisdom (and a whole lot of wrinkles) and after 43 years on this planet, I have at least learned that men seem to have a much healthier view towards relationships with the opposite sex than we do. Well, maybe not healthier but much less stress inducing, jelly bean eating, fretting view. And, personally, I totally get that!

As we all know, I have emotional walls higher than those surrounding Fort Knox and I’ve been working hard on dismantling those or at least de-electrifying them in my quest to not be the crazy dog lady in my old age. I’ve tried the dating scene…and we all know how that has gone. I’m sorry, but if the idea of going out with someone is making my stomach hurt then really, why bother?! I can get a stomach ache from eating too many jelly beans and well, that is just more enjoyable sometimes. So, I’ve stopped beating myself up for not going out with Tony Soprano again and cancelling a date with a local elected official (hello, I married one of those, I don’t need to date another!!). If dating one of them felt right, then I would have gone out with them.

Now, yes, the above paragraph was very chick like which is where my need to think like a man comes in. The Hot Electrician and I had another pretty good concert experience together and the chemistry is definitely there…and I think mutual. But, now, I have to make sure I don’t turn into a phone checking, wondering why he hasn’t called, will I see him again idiot!! I can guarantee he isn’t sitting on his couch at home wondering those same things about me…even if I am all that and a bag of chips! I just don’t think guys are wired that way (well, at least no guy I’d go out with). So, why are we? I want to think like a man this time. It has always been easy for me to think like a man before because I didn’t care as much. With this one, I can honestly say I am interested. It is the first time since I left Alex I can actually say “yeah, wouldn’t mind seeing him more than once…or even twice”. So, that is why I can’t think like a man this time…I care! Darn the luck…caring sucks!

My willpower is pretty strong when it needs to be so I won’t text, won’t call or won’t really even scheme. He is one that could be easily scared away…even if I am awesome. I will just ask for a whole lot of patience, a large bottle of Jack Daniels and every anti-texting trick I have in my arsenal. I think I’m going to need it.

It isn't necessary to call Dr. Freud

I hate being predictable or stereotypical…it just bugs me. Don’t get me wrong, I like being reliable and dependable (wow, I sound like a Chevy) but I also like to think I’m different than other women and well, almost unique. And, because I refuse to concede that point on all fronts, I will assert that I am different in many ways! But, I have again been reminded recently that in at least one area I am oh so unsurprising! When it comes to dating, I really am all about wanting what I just can’t have. And, oh my, how silly and high school is that?!


Being challenged by being told something is unattainable or out of reach is great motivation if you are training for the Olympics or striving for excellence in your profession or education. In those instances, I love that my stubborn streak comes out and I can kick butt and take names! Unfortunately, my stubbornness isn’t limited to pushing myself behind my limits, but instead tends to flourish when faced with situations which logically I should be handling completely opposite of what I do.

As my posts over the last 2 years have shown, I haven’t been relegated to hang out with Cinderella’s ugly stepsisters with no dates to the ball. I have dated and have dated very nice guys. Nice guys with good jobs, great personalities and not bad to look at. Guys who have all of that and who think I’m actually pretty fabulous. And, herein lies my problem…I don’t want those guys. No, I want the one who doesn’t text or call and who acts like he could take or leave a date with me. Of course, he is also a nice guy, which a great job, fun, hot, strong, witty…okay, okay, you get it…I’m smitten. But, again, why? Is it really just because it is a challenge and the “chase” is so much fun? If that is the case, then I really haven’t grown up or matured and I deserve to be “slushied” in the hallway (you have to watch Glee).

Am I really that text book? Does it really just boil down to me wanting what I technically “can’t have”? (well, not “can’t” since he does text back and did kiss me BUT you know what I mean). I know me, and I know that yes, I need to have the man be in control or I will walk all over him. I’m not proud of that fact but I do know it is just that, a fact. Therefore, I rationalize that I can tell immediately that Tony Soprano who I practically blew off all during lunch last week, would not be good for me. He would let me get away with being way too full of myself and well, we all know how that ends. But, wouldn’t it be nice to feel something for him? He really is a nice guy, has a house in Tahoe, coaches his sons, thinks I’m really fun and attractive…but, it just isn’t there. After our lunch, all I could think was “oh no, what if he tries to kiss me”. Thank goodness, I went for the quick hug and then got out of there.

Again, I rationalize these feelings with the idea that for some reason, there is just something about the hot electrician that keeps me enthralled, intrigued, “in” something so I am going to ratchet up the irresistible factor and tap into whatever patience I have and just try VERY hard to just let what will be will be…with a little help, of course. Hello, this is me we’re talking about!!

The heart...our strongest muscle

I had an entirely different post I was going to write today about "mean girls" and the inability to ever truly rid your life of them, even after middle school, but after a phone call today, I decided to shelve that one for later.  Unfortunately, as the uncanny knack women have to piss each other off never seems to go away, that post will be relevant whenever I get around to writing it.

Today, instead, will be about the perils of falling in love...again.  No, don't worry, you didn't miss a whirlwind relationship in the week since I posted.  I promise!  And, believe me, my friends who talk to me every day were probably wondering what the heck had happened when I went to Safeway as they know that was about the extent of my excitement this weekend.  No, even though this phone call had nothing to do with me falling in love again, it was a necessary reminder for those of us who have love and lost...and by lost, I mean full on shut out, upset of a loss. It was both a happy glimpse and a poignant glance at the resiliency of the human heart.

During the cross country phone call, while my friend's heart was in the middle of breaking after the end of a relationship, we were both able to find the positive among the tears.  And, while I know several of you want to smack me with my constant silver lining mumbo jumbo (remember my sarcasm overcomes my saccharine laced optimism), it really is true.  She, like many of us, had her heart completely broken several years ago by the man she thought was her forever man and for the longest time was depressed and concerned that she had lost her chance at the plus one forever.  Okay, maybe a bit over-dramatic, but you get my point.  She was content in her life but not truly happy and then she met someone who changed that.

In the beginning she was very guarded and concerned about letting herself really just feel.   But, because I am the queen of dishing out advice I don't ever plan on taking myself, I told her to just enjoy it and let herself be treated with the love and respect she truly deserved.  And, well, she did.  She was in love again...and while, at the back of her mind there was this voice telling her to be careful, she just let herself fall into the feeling.  Unfortunately, as my earlier paragraph shared, this relationship ended and, she is justifiably sad.  But, at the same time, she is proud of herself, and more importantly, freed from the idea that the man that broke her heart all those years ago was her last chance at happiness.  And, if nothing else, that is an incredibly important thing to know.  And, it is important for all of us...me included.

I really have come to the point of knowing I'd say no to Alex if he were to ask me back, because I know I deserve better.  But, even more important, I'm even at the point that I'm willing to risk being hurt again...which, if you know me, is huge for me.  I've had my heart hurt twice in my life, broken once so falling in love is a monumental occasion for me.  But, the most important thing I learned from my time with Alex is that being in love, truly in love, is so much better than playing it safe as I have done most of my life.  Knowing that, and knowing that great rewards come after great risk, means that yes, I meant every word I said to my dear friend/family member earlier.  She will again be willing to risk the tears as that is what makes life worth living.

So, even though my risks are much smaller and include a very planned but oh so spontaneous text later this week, I am getting back out there, and doing it with my arms and heart wide open.

Miss America may have something right...

I’ve never been much of a pageant girl…well, I was in one, once in high school as Miss Junior Class, but that was the extent of my time on the pseudo cat-walk. It shouldn’t come as much of a surprise however, as there really just aren’t that many pageants geared to those of us who are 5’2” and fluffy. What shows those would be…definitely no bathing suit contests, and heels would just be used to make us look normal sized…hmmm…I may be on to something. Anyhow, this weekend found me helping my dear friend/dating coach with the junior princess portion of a local qualifying pageant for Miss California and well, as one could only imagine, I figured there had to be a blog in there somewhere.


Ignoring the inherent issues that are woven into the general concepts of beauty pageants, I actually decided there is some merit to being judged on a select set of categories. I mean, if you really think about it, isn’t that happening already? Aren't we all judged by appearance, behavior, etc...So, why not just own up to it and get a score that enables you to gauge the chance you are going to get that second date or follow up phone call. Granted, I think the categories may be a little different as I judge myself harshly enough in a bathing suit, I don’t need a number score to confirm I could exercise from now until New Year’s and still not have a butt that doesn’t stop when I do.

But, you get my point right? Let’s take this weekend as a perfect example of how my contest meets reality would work. On Friday night, I went to go see Blake Shelton with my dating boss, her husband and the hot electrician…yes, him. We had a great time…dinner, walking to the concert in the rain (which, in reality is nooooooowhere near as romantic as Gene Kelley makes it in the movie) and then singing and laughing to Blake. To a casual observer, we seemed a couple. Now, don’t worry, I’ve seen this movie before remember, so my expectations were and are low. He really is just a very nice guy, not at all bad to look at, who I happen to have a good time with. Now, here is where the pageant rules come in.

As the evening ended, with the good bye kiss and a hug, I’d get a score card with a very easy to understand scoring system. There could be categories (like in a pageant) such as: chemistry (10 pts), sense of humor (10), personality (10), good kisser (10), etc…and then one could assume the closer the score was to 100, the more likely it would be that there would be a date in our future. Do you know how much easier this would make the next day for women? If there was a 70 or below, put that one in the Fun but no cigar column, 75-85, hit or miss depending on his options, 85-100, and well, start shopping for outfit for date number 2. Doesn’t this make sense to you? I, personally, would greatly appreciate the feedback.

Well, since I’m not in charge of the world, this system is not in place so I will continue to live life thinking “Why wouldn’t he want a 2nd or even 3rd date with me? I’m really all that!” and will just assume that we are on the 2 year plan…it took a year from meeting to kiss for the 1st time and then 8 months after that kiss to go out and kiss a second time so really, in 4 months, you should be reading about him again. But, seriously, I do believe once he realizes that I’m not a stalker, text him all the time, clingy, picking out a wedding dress, writing our names in hearts kinda gal, he’ll be very happy he ranked me in the 85-100 category…heck, I’d even go for a 98!

Gold Star

I know I've compared my journey with Alex to one battling addiction and well, this weekend, I earned whatever the highest chip there is to earn.  If you've read this blog at all, you know I am big on birthdays.  I mean skywriting, fireworks, dancing animal big on birthdays and not just my own. For those in my life, I go pretty nuts and definitely went overboard once or twice in my time with Alex.  Well, yesterday was his birthday and while I thought about him often during the day, not once did I text, Facebook message, email or even send up a silent Happy Birthday to him.  And, for this I earn the gold star.

In my circle of great friends,there is one who says that after 3 weeks you can get over anything.  Well, it has been 3 plus 150+ something since I left Alex and while I am sure I got over him several 3's ago, I do still think about him and getting through his birthday without "making" him think of me with a message of some sort is huge for me.  It means that I am not willing to step backwards nor open myself up to the stomach clenching mess I would be if I did hit send on the text and then wait, forever, for a return response that wasn't coming...or worse yet, did.  This means I really am ready to move forward.  And, well, that is reason to celebrate.  Of course, in my new found fitness regimen, celebrate includes carrots, green peppers and something that doesn't involve refined sugar or alcohol (just on weeknights...weekends, it is all about the Jack, baby...hey, 70 calories!!).

In all honesty, I really am proud of myself. Of course, as a girlfriend and I were discussing earlier, what choice did I have all this time, really?  I am a happy person and one that has a job, kids, dogs, people who rely on me, so curling up into a ball and being sad was never an option.  I knew I was young (well, relatively young...okay, not young, but not old either), not bad to look at and was better off in my new life...even if it hurt.  Pulling the covers over my head and calling it a sick day until I got over Alex wasn't an option and now, almost 3 years later (wait, maybe the magic number is 3 years, not 3 weeks!) I really am a happier, healthier, stronger person.  And, one who will be ready to take on whatever challenge comes next.

And, speaking of those challenges, the number of texts and emails I have been sharing with the sole subject of Operation CM over the past few weeks just shows that you never say never.  While I'm not sure I really want him to jump on a plane and head West for a few days, being able to flirt, laugh and have fun with someone who really is nice, fun and still not bad looking at 44, is not a bad thing.  Hey, again, it beats the alternative.  And, as another friend pointed out, he's a cop...with handcuffs...just saying!

So, as in all great accomplishments, I am going to take a moment to pat myself on the back, say cheers with my Diet Coke (sans Jack on a Sunday night) and think yippee for me!  Oh yeah, and I pre-celebrated with a shopping trip to Ann Taylor and Michael Kors...hey, this deserved a shopping spree, don't you think?!

No safety net

I realized long ago two important facts.  One, sunshine makes me incredibly happy, singing out loud, dancing in my back yard happy.  And, two, Nicholas Sparks books were written with one sole purpose, to make women cry.  Not just cute sniffles and one lone tear down your cheek cry but full belly heaving, streak inducing sobbing jags.  Now, imagine my dilemma when those two facts of life collide on an otherwise uneventful Sunday, with me reading a Nicholas Sparks books while sitting outside on a gorgeous almost Spring-like day.  The end result: you find me inhaling jelly beans like they are air, all the while cursing myself as I am going to have to enter these horrid calories in my Fitness Pal later this evening.  But, I justify them by saying one, they are practically like fruit and two, crying must burn at least 100 calories, right?  As you all know, justification is definitely a strong suit of mine.  But, as we also know, jelly beans seem to induce many of my epiphanies. 

I have come to the very sad realization that I really have been living life on the safe side of the street lately.  I know safety isn't always a bad thing.  Wearing your seat belt is smart, motorcycle helmets were invented for a reason and well, I've yet to find one good reason for ever wanting to jump out of a perfectly good airplane to attempt sky diving.  So, I'm not saying I am advocating throwing all caution to the wind and becoming one of those thrill seekers who can't find a company to insure them.  No, I'm just saying, to quote the personal trainer of a friend of mine "you are hiding in that safe body", but to me, I'm hiding in the safety of arm distance relationships.  Although, really, I am probably hiding in this safe body as well...but I promise I am trying (with the exception of today's complete jelly bean backpedal).

It isn't that I have avoiding dating since I left Alex, but as it has been pointed out to me on numerous occasions, I really have dated the wrong guys.  I've dated the right now guys, the guys who I really have no worry about falling for, hence not getting hurt.  And, my latest distraction is no different.  Although at least two readers will be cheering the fact that Operation CM which we started well over a year ago actually has traction, even they will admit me having a long distance flirting relationship with a man who will most likely never live in the same time zone as me, is fruitless...and then, obviously safe!  Yes, it is nice to have a guy, even one who lives 3000 miles away, send you fun flirty texts to make you smile.  But, it isn't like I am actually going to have to take down any walls for him.  Heck, if that is all I wanted, I wouldn't have to worry about eating jelly beans for breakfast, lunch, and dinner as I'd never see him. 

So, in addition to cutting back on the empty calories and exercising (actual exercise) 6 days a week, I have decided to add a little more excitement to my life. Not quite dangerous excitement, but more getting back on the roller coaster, stomach fluttering, heart racing kind of excitement.  The kind that means that yes, I might get hurt, but also means I am not just sitting back and letting life happen around me.  A few girlfriends and I went out to hear a band last night as part of my entertainment chair duties for the festival I am involved in, and the lead singer joked that the "Reserved" sign he had placed on the table for us actually meant it was for reserved women.  And, while we all laughed at the comment, it hit home a little.  Being safe obviously isn't getting me any closer to the life I envision someday so a change needs to be made.

I am not saying I am going to jump all over the chance to go out with the nice looking but drunk former professional football player who said to me last night "When you get back, and are ready to date, look me up" even though he was the one leaving town today, but if he does do his homework to ask me out, I just might say yes.  And, instead of waiting for the Hot Electrician to realize he really does want to make the first move, I actually stepped up our texting friendship a little and was pleasantly surprised by the open door he left.  Yes, he is definitely one who could make me question my decision to ride the scream inducing roller coasters and head back to the Dumbo ride, but isn't the danger what makes it worth it?  We all enjoy the meandering and pleasant rides at Disneyland, but we know the exhilaration we feel when we get off of the Matterhorn is why we go back.  And, well, I am ready to go back to Disneyland.

A sign of the times

It has been months since the kids and I made the two and a half hour trek over the river and through the woods to Grandmother's house (or in reality over the mountains and through the valley to my sister's house) so decided it was time.  We had a rare one basketball game weekend, knew my mom and step dad would be traveling to Maine in a few months and well, just felt we needed to go.  We packed the car with the essentials: snacks, warm clothes, lots of booze and off we went.  The kids and I love road trips together and actually have a great time so the trip up was fun, lots of singing, laughing and a stop at Starbucks, of course. Very rarely on these trips with them do I wish for a co-pilot as the three of us have created a comfortable life together so I relish the moments like this.

We arrive in time for lunch with my mom, step dad and nephew (yes, the organic herb growing nephew) and within a matter of minutes I am reminded why it has been months since I have been up here.  There is never an easy example to share as to why my mother drives me crazy but more just a non-stop litany of veiled comments and understated digs.  Considering it was lunch time and I still had to drive my children to my sister's, I couldn't drink anything stronger than a Diet Coke so by the time we left, my normal very low blood pressure was actually climbing steadily.  But, as I often remind myself, she is my mother and almost 70 so I need to appreciate the time with her.

Fast forward a few hours and a couple drinks later and my whole local family was together for dinner and this is one of the times I both miss having someone by my side and, at the same time wonder if anyone would appreciate the various personalities that make my family mine.  I realize all families have issues but when they are your family's issues, you are more protective of the personalities and quirks that make them tick.  I actually tried to picture the hot electrician there (I know, I know...we've never even had a date!!!!) and well, I could.  I couldn't picture Tony Soprano (but then again, I can't picture me with Tony Soprano) and well, didn't want to picture a lifetime of just me either. But, then again, it was a good reminder that I won't settle as I watch my 25 year old cousin on her second marriage, raising her 3 children and always being exhausted and listen to her mom, my aunt, who loves her 3rd husband but whose unemployment makes life tough.  It also shows that you never know who will be the ones to make it as my sister and her husband of 17 years who weren't supposed to make it down the aisle now have the big 2-0 in their sights. And, hey, who doesn't like a reminder that sometimes marriages actually do work!

After about 28 hours, we all met again for a quick lunch and we were off...and, as I drove through the adorable gold rush town, I actually got a little misty eyed.  Misty eyed because these visits just remind me of how close my mom and I aren't, and how sad that makes me.  Misty eyed because as much as I love living in the Bay Area, I really do believe I was meant for a more traditional setting, and misty eyed because I really did just turn 43 and is content really what I want to be.

But, off we went and headed toward our family's halfway lunch time spot of Chevy's...a restaurant where we have celebrated birthdays, holidays, trips, everything for years as it was halfway between the two towns and the kids and I look forward to the familar setting and memories that come with every meal.  We pulled in, were a little surprised by the empty parking lot and were completely floored by the big sign on the door that announced they were closed.  Not closed for the day, not for remodeling but closed, as in forever.  It hit me hard!  Not because we couldn't find another place to eat.  Nor because we don't have a Chevy's in almost every town near us.  But, because it really did signify a need for a change to me.  It was an actual sign that traditions and memories are good but it may just be time to try something new. 

Don't expect me to completely give up my old comforts, and won't close the door on nostalgia but maybe, just maybe, I'll start venturing out on new adventures.

Thanks for a great evening

One of my favorite lines from "Pretty Woman" is when Julia Roberts says to Richard Gere "If I forget to tell you later, I had a really good time tonight" as they set off on their first "real date".  It is the type of line you want to remember to say to someone before what you know is going to be a very special occasion, but usually forget until the evening is over and then, well, it just kind of loses its punch.  I thought about that line often over the weekend and actually thought about writing my blog for this week before today so I could just give you a glowing report of the last of my birthday celebrations, before the night even happened.  Yes, I realize that isn't reality but again, haven't we figured out that reality is sometimes overrated?

But, I have to say, I'm glad I didn't write this entry early as reality was actually just as good as fantasy land...even if the subject matter might differ just a tad.  I think a trend has started this year with the number of unanswered prayers and getting what I need, even if it isn't exactly the same as what I want.

With a week that included Valentine's Day, the fact I didn't start a new online dating profile or camp outside BevMo for refills, is really cause for celebration so that alone would make me happy.  Granted, I have to admit, I've never been a big sucker for Heart Day but even a lifelong cynic can sometimes get a little touch of the weepy eye when I think about the fact this is the 3rd year in a row where I didn't at least buy a risque card to give to someone.  I guess I could have just bought the card and given it to my girlfriend and told her to pretend she was my Hawaii Five-O hottie...The things our friends do for us.


Anyhow, I helped counsel a friend through the dreaded 14th and then planned the festivities for the end of my birthday month (y'all thought I was kidding about the month thing, didn't you?).  Friday night found me dressed to the nines  and hanging with my GBFF again at his theater company. As we've discussed before, the best way for a pick me up is to dress up and hang out with gay guys.  They're all about the compliments!!  And, when you are feeling a little puffy and not very hot, compliments, even from gay guys, can make your day!

Of course, 24 hours later as I was getting dressed for dinner with my dating boss, her husband, another friend and the Hot Electrician, those compliments were no where to be found.  My jeans were too tight, the shirt I picked showed every extra lump (and not the good kind) and my left eye looked like a relative of the vampires from Twilight.  Not exactly the image I was going for.  But, with the get ready music playing and a Jack & Diet in my hand, I did a little dance in the bathroom and headed for a night of laughter and fun! 

While there were no fireworks this time (literal or figurative), the night reminded me again of why there is just this connection between us.  We make each other laugh and I believe he totally gets my sarcasm (my 2nd language) and from the occasional glances I caught him stealing, he either does find me attractive or he was counting the new wrinkles I know I got for my 43rd birthday. Considering the second thought is not nearly as flattering, I am going to just go with the first and think that yes, he does feel something too.  But, I also believe the situation is a little complicated as I am one of his sister's best friends, his parents like me and I do quite a bit with the family.  For a man not interested in commitment, could you find a worse combination?  Probably not!  But, I actually am a patient person (sometimes) and just believe that at some point in time, we really will date and will probably do it very well. Granted, I also believed I was supposed to stay with Alex and believed my Hokies weren't going to choke in the Sugar Bowl so my track record isn't stellar.  We'll ignore those failures for now though and just think, that yes, there is a tie there and only time (and occasional scheming) will tell.

You will all be happy to know that this is the last of my birthday month entries and I will go back to thinking it isn't all about me. Well, at least for the next 11 months.

Another candle on the cake

I love birthdays...I know I have written those exact words before but it is true. I like for people to shower me with good wishes and smiles. Well, I like that every day but for some reason, it isn't an ordinary occurence. But, while I would love to analyze why people don't just applaud as I walk by, that isn't the subject of this blog today.

I am part of a book club with a group of moms from the kids' school...yes, the same group of moms I talk about sometimes but I really do like a couple of them and consider them great friends, and well, the others, often provide the reassurance I need that even with the struggles I have, at least I am not them. I know that sounds horrible but really, it isn't undeserved. However, this past Friday we discussed The Alchemist, which made me truly sit back and think. One of the segments discussed not worrying about the future as it really is out of your control. All you can do is live in the present. Granted, this was stated by a nomad in the desert who really had no future to think of so living in the present was his only option.

Yet, today as I gave in to a bit of melancholy for setting myself up to be disappointed today and worrying about spending next year's birthday without a plus one, I thought that maybe the desert man who spoke to the birds and camels might have had it right. Birthdays really shouldn't be a day of reflection as the idea you are one year older isn't always a reason for celebration...once you are past 21, the only highlights are qualifying for your AARP card at 50 and well...hmm...I'm blanking on any others.

However, I still found myself today getting a little teary as I drove my little man and his best friend to their 2nd basketball of the game. In addition to being inexplicably sad that I didn't hear from Alex (I know, I know...believe me, I know) or the hot electrician...who, in his defense, probably doesn't know my birthday qualifies for national holiday status in my book, I was saddenned by the fact that after 10 hours in the gym watching basketball (which I wouldn't change for the world), I didn't have someone to turn to and say "okay, now you can take me to dinner".

Of course, the previous paragraph doesn't explain why I should live in the moment if I am talking about moments that were less than stellar. But, really, if I am honest, living for today really would help my sanity when I get like this. I should relish in the fact my incredible little super star scored 30+ points this weekend, my adorable fire cracker planned my birthday dinner all by herself and I am completely surrounded by amazing friends and family (who really don't have to claim me any more). Why lose sleep about bills that are coming up as things have a way of working out. Don't focus on the fact you are still 20 pounds away from your goal weight; celebrate the fact you have been working out every day for a month now. Enjoy the moments that make up every day as they are the ones who provide the smiles and the sighs.

I know I won't become completely at peace with my current status in life but I really will start trying to stress less and enjoy more. This is where I am supposed to be at this current age and for that I will be content. It worked for the nomads, it should work for a 5'2" package of sass and spice.

Life According to the Rolling Stones

The Big Chill is in my top 10 movies of all time. Think about it: it is set in the south (and I’ve seen the house in person), it is about a group of college friends who are revisiting feelings and issues from the past (nostalgia at its finest) and the soundtrack completely rocks! I often find myself thinking “You can’t always get what you want, but you get what you need” should be tattooed across my brain. And, really, recently, it is more appropriate than ever.


I certainly can’t complain about my life, which is entirely my point, actually. My children are amazing. My salary gets me by. My friends and family are there for me at a drop of a hat. And, my life is incredibly full. But, even so, there are still times I really do want just a little more. And, that is when I realize I may not get what I want, but I get what I need.

What I wanted was Alex to miss me terribly, call and let me be the one to say “sorry, too little too late”. What I needed was someone to remind me he has no effect on my life any more and that I did make the right choice to walk away. What I wanted was for the Hot Electrician to come to my Super Bowl party. What I needed was to have an incredibly enjoyable afternoon with great friends and family and to receive a few fun texts from him over the next few days. What I wanted was to feel something more for Tony Soprano or for him to have been more of what I was looking for. What I needed was to just get my flirty fix with a great guy (who meets most of my criteria) in VA who thinks my sass and personality make me “the complete package”.

Garth Brooks sings it much more eloquently (and without drug references) in his song “Unanswered Prayers” but the sentiment is still the same…there is a reason why we end up with our without certain people in our lives. And, we do end up with what we need. And, for me, right now, I guess I need to just continue to live my life one day at a time, with no qualms about the fact I don’t have a + one yet…even though I will be 43 on Sunday. I need to focus on the fact I do have choices and that I am not alone in this world.

And really, one day, I will be thanking God for all of my unanswered prayers…and I will be surrounded by what I truly need.

No Static Cling

I have never understood women who have a hard time comprehending the no stalking rule...you know, the one that says to not overwhelm a man with the texts, the calls, the texts, the calls, etc...and then wonder why he feels smothered. Of course, it is completely appropriate to send the occasional check in texts, to expect the day after call after a kiss or more but that is a far stretch from the "well, he didn't call back so I figured I'd call again and again" philosophy that is out there. But, in the same vein, I expect to not have to worry about that with men either. Isn't there a manual or something that one can read that says "when she says she is busy, chances are she is actually busy"? Maybe, once again, I really do have a lot more "man" in me than I first admit. I need to feel wanted, but not smothered, attracted to but not obsessed over, flirted with but not monopolized by...it isn't tough, really...

So, not only did Tony Soprano cross a pretty major line last week by saying he was picturing me in heels and nothing else but then this week said he wanted to go on vacation somewhere with great room service. What?!? Can I say again, we have kissed just one time? While the idea of someone wanting to take me on some tropical vacation sounds fabulous, the idea this same person is picturing flying me to who knows where to stay in a hotel room walking around in heel pretty much negates the first great idea. Add to that his increasing frustration with my schedule is adding up to my ever dwindling interest. No, this isn't me talking myself out of something I wasn't really interested in to begin with. Really!!! If in the beginning he is already sending multiple texts to ask if I am free after I have gone through my long list of commitments that day then chances are he isn't going to become less demanding of my time if we were together. I can't feel guilty about my life...I won't again.

One of the positive aspects (which I have mentioned before) about my life after Alex is that I am accountable to no one...really..I worry about my kids, my job, my responsibilities, etc...but I don't have to worry that I didn't answer his call or wasn't going to be home for hours. And, while I know compromise comes with a relationship (which I do want some day), I can't have someone who expects to be my 1st, 2nd & 3rd priority. And, really, no one should. It is too easy to be devastated when that person invariably disappoints you. I really just want to find someone who I can occasionally text or call to flirt (and have it be reciprocated), go out to dinner with every now and then, take to parties once in awhile and sporadically invite to sleep over. And, again, isn't that a guy's dream?

I was lamenting about this dilemma recently during the 2x week run (well, walk with a little running thrown in) with my dating boss and wondering why this is so hard to find. Isn't there a balance between attention and clingy? Do I have to pick between one sided attraction and borderline obsession (well, that is a little strong but he did mention seeing me naked!!!)? And, while I was getting frustrated with this situation, she once again, put the positive spin on it that I needed...if nothing else, I now know even more what I want and don't want. It is kind of like buying a new car (which I won't be doing anytime soon) and picking which options are must haves and which ones make you decide on a different model. And, we also decided (or I decided and she nodded which is tacit agreement to me...even though it could have just been her head bobbing up and down as we jogged...hmm..)...that this was just another reason why the Hot Electrician and I make a good match...for at least a date. He isn't clingy...likes his space...understands being busy...has kids...now, I just need to again, convince him that I am the anti-girl....which means I am really a great catch.

Next stop, Palm Reader

A family member mentioned a while ago that she decided on a whim to contact a pyschic...just for kicks, really, but did it nonetheless. And, I have to admit, I was tempted. Completely and totally tempted. Part of me thinks "why not" but of course, another part thinks that costs money...and money that I could just as easily spend on a glass of wine (or several) and wonder what my future is going to include. And, considering I can talk myself out of a purchase between the back of store and the cash register, I am not surprised I talked myself out of this idea too. But, c'mon, you understand my interest, right? Now, I wouldn't want to know if there were some danger lurking or if I had some random tropical disease or anything like that. I would just want to know if I should be paying more or less attention to some of the men in my life. Should I continue to give Tony Soprano more chances to wow and impress me or will he be serving 20 because he wasn't really joking about the shovel in the back of his Cadillac? Is there some sort of undeniable chemistry between the hot electrician and me or was it really just the pool and Don Elias Extra Anejo playing tricks on us last summer? Is there someone waiting in the wings I don't even know about yet? And, if so, can you give me a hint on what day he will appear so I know to be looking hot, please? See, I'm not being unreasonable. These are logical questions to have and what if someone could answer them for me.


Yes, I understand part of living is the unknown but isn't progress all about saving yourself from wasted time? Again, it all makes sense to me...but I also know I would most likely have a hard time taking the advice of someone who has a 976 line and who can tell you your future for 3 easy payments of $19.99 each. So, I guess we are back at square one...which is where I knew we'd end up anyway.

I am going to have to decide on my own if Tony Soprano (who really does have a foot long tattoo of the Ferrari logo on his leg because he is the Italian Stallion") is worth a few more dates or if his text about wearing heels and nothing else was more than just not knowing how to be sly. I was ready to call it game over after that text...first, because it was in response to me saying I couldn't wait to get home and put on sweats (does that mean he doesn't appreciate the importance of the cozy clothes and pony tail) and second, because well, ew....I have at least 20 pounds to lose before I'd look in a mirror wearing nothing but heels and well, probably never when I would let someone else see me like that. But, my dating boss told me to give him the benefit of the doubt...maybe he'd been drinking. At 3:OO in the afternoon???? But, okay, his texts over the weekend were very tame....but still the images of both the nickname and the request have been burned into my mind. And, I will have to keep thinking about why the Hot Electrician will respond to a few fun casual texts but then ignore the one sent 3 days later. Usually I wait the appropriate 2-3 weeks between texts but this one was funny so figured why not.

Again, if someone named Madame Stardust told me he was the one turning me on (pun intended...and apologies to his sister and nieces) months from now then I'd be less anxious about what a few unreturned texts over several months mean. But, now I just have to convince myself that I really am on the non stalker side of the street and hope it to be the case. Well, as much as I would love to know if I have a chance of Mr. Right in my future I really can't see my former pearl wearing Reese Witherspoon type persona turning over Tarot cards in a dimly lit room that smells of incense andwho knows what else. Instead, I will just have that glass of wine.

Sunday rundown

I used to like watching 60 Minutes on Sunday nights as I felt it was the perfect way to get me caught up on news for the week...all in the span of an hour. I could take a few minutes (okay, 60 to be exact) out of my day and be informed for the week. I have decided to use that as a model for this blog...with one addition...I will add a Wednesday update as well. So, I will aim to provide 2 updates for my readers keeping you up to date on the craziness which we have discovered is my life. For my update this Sunday, I owe you an update on my date from Tuesday night...well, it didn't happen so I had nothing to update. My dating boss told me he had to cancel because I had sent off the aura that I didn't want to go on the date after all. Mr. Soprano was very friendly and apologetic when he called to say his day had been crazy and I completely understood. We talked for a long time with lots of laughter and funny stories and I admit to enjoying every minute of it. So, when he asked if we could try to do something over the weekend I didn't even try to come up with an excuse, I said yes...and then, put it out of my mind. I hate that I wasn't more excited and that I didn't spend the week trying to plan my wardrobe for a possible date. Why wasn't I chomping at the bit thinking about this very nice guy who liked to call me for his "fix", who drove a truck, coached his kids' football teams...well, pretty much fit almost every item on my list? But, I was going to ignore the apathy and just say yes if he called. My week was actually incredibly busy with work, kids, you know, life so pretty much put it all out of my mind and made plans for most of the weekend...wine bar with my GBFF Friday night, dinner with my dating boss and her husband Saturday night and 4 basketball games thrown in the middle somewhere. When I hadn't heard from him by Friday night I decided I wasn't going to go out with him. I mean really, shouldnt he be more interested in getting together with me? Yes, I appreciate the irony here but again, this is my blog so you should automatically side with me. And, even if you don't, I am going to believe you do so I am still smiling. Of course, I do get a text from him saying he has missed hearing from me and he'd love to get that drink Saturday night....I am not canceling my plans so just don't respond for a bit. I never said I wasn't a brat...After much consideration, I decide that maybe, just maybe, watching the 49er playoff game with him would be fun and really, why not just say yes. I text back that I have dinner plans with friends but would love to watch the game that afternoon at the local Chili's. This was a two fold plan...first, I wanted to see if there was any more chemistry and two, I think you can tell a lot about a guy by the way he watches football. Believe me, I am sure there is a science to my madness but only I know the equation. Now, I know this is going to amaze you all...but, I had a very nice time...shocker! He is still just as cute, made me laugh just as much and said all the right things. And, this time, I even kissed him goodbye. But, yet, when I showed up at my friend's house and she asked how it was my answer was qualified by "he's a very nice guy". Why is that? Why do I think that is a negative? Do I really need to eat nice guys for breakfast? Can't I at least let them stick around until dinner or dessert? Is there really something necessary about an edge? And the answer is yes, I do need the edge. I know my weaknesses and they are completely highlighted when I am with a guy who is too nice for me. I need someone to rein me in sometimes...to again, think I am almost perfection but certainly doesn't let me know that too often. But, I also know, I had a very nice time so next time he calls and yes, he will call, I will say yes and go have a great time. However, I also know, we will have a talk in the not so distant future that warns him to say no if I invite him over for breakfast.

No TV for me tonight

I’ve realized again, why I don’t date. I don’t like it! It is probably one of the reasons I stayed with Alex so much longer than I should have….I didn’t want to start over. I don’t like the anticipation, it doesn’t fill me with fun little butterflies or make me want to do my hair, my make up, smile big or play nice. The thought of it actually makes me want to pour a large glass of wine, curl up in my sweats on the couch and hide under a blanket. All of which sounds much better to me than going home, feeding the dogs then getting all “cute-ified” for drinks with Tony Soprano which is what I am doing tonight.


As I’ve mentioned before, he’s a very nice guy and cute. He meets several of the requirements on my novel length list and really will make some women a very nice date partner. I just am not feeling it today. I’ve thought of canceling several times but because I have given dating choice control over to a very good friend for the time being, she says I’m going…and that I’m going to have fun! Wow, not only do I not get to sit home and be cozy (if not a little lonely), I have to go out and have fun! Slave Driver!

But, really, I know she is right. I need to get out there and enjoy myself with members of the opposite sex…and not ones who are emotionally unavailable, have cheated on me, don’t call back…hmm…should I go on? No, I know having a drink with a nice looking, responsible, owns his own business kind of guy is what I should be doing. And, really, some women would kill for a nice date with a man who thinks she is hot, and smart, and funny. Okay, already, I’m going!! Like I said, I didn’t have a choice…my dating boss told me I was going.

So, while you are home comfortable reading this at your leisure, think of me suffering through a nice night with a nice guy. Yes, I’m feeling your sympathy from here.

Maybe it is time to change the station

I listen to the news in the morning. I can’t help it. Not only do I like to know what is going on in the world before I walk in the door at my office and everyone is buzzing around with “Did you know?” “What do you think about?” Working in an industry that is affected by politics justifies my obsession with MSNBC, CNN and Fox news a tad. I also know it reminds me of living in DC…where I think cars didn’t even come with alternative stations. It is like my version of “Doc Hollywood” when he would call the weather channel to hear just a taste of the accent he had grown to love. Just in a much more depressing cynical kind of way. Now, on the way home I listen to my country favorites and dream about Jake from Sweet Home Alabama wanting to sweep me off my feet in his extended cab Ford F250 but my mornings are reserved for reality. Which leads me to my new thoughts for 2012…maybe I need to branch out a little.

As I was scanning the online news this morning (yes, I really need to read more fiction) I saw a blip on Yahoo about your horoscope for the upcoming year so, while I have never been a believer in letting a life forecast determined by burning balls of fire thousands of miles away determine steps I take I couldn’t help clicking on the link and getting caught up by the predictions for an abundance of romance in the months dominated by the moon of something or other. Which I guess could be a problem…if I don’t know what month they are referring to, how will I know when to start looking for this love? And, if 2012 is going to be the year of romance and flowers for me, do you think my horoscope last year was just an emoticon of the god of love blowing me a raspberry? Really, 2011 wasn’t bad…lots of good fun just no prince…

But, maybe (as we’ve discovered more than once) I am expecting to be hit over the head with the love stick when instead, it is going to be more of a gradual affection that I keep putting out of my mind…like Tony Soprano. He continues to be so incredibly nice with check in texts (not too many…just enough to make me smile), will call every few days for his “fix” (he likes my accent) and makes me laugh whenever we talk. We haven’t had another date yet but I don’t think that is out of the question. I still think he is probably too nice but maybe he is just part of the abundance of romance that the stars say I have in store for me.

We all feel a sense of renewed excitement at the start of a year and I am hoping that maybe if I switch to music just one morning a week that I can add a little more hope and a little less reality to my year as well.

Well, it sounded like a good plan...

I pride myself on being a pretty good political strategist and actually do quite a bit of that in my "real job".  I know how to best stage an appearance, who should sit next to whom, what events to invite which elected officials to, what answers should be given when, etc...and while it obviously makes life seem pretty staged and planned, it works!  So, one wouldn't be too surprised to know that I'm usually pretty good at, well, scheming, off the clock either.  It is a talent (I choose to call it a talent) that I seem to have possessed all my life.  I knew how to conveniently be somewhere at the right time for that "chance" meeting...to know to do my homework on a prospect ahead of time...being prepared is never a bad thing.  And, for the most part it has served me well.  And, what is better, I have a very good friend who happens to be a A+ schemer as well.  Therefore, one would think that when these two friends, with a little brain power put their scheming heads together, that they would have covered all the details...the minute and the general.  Well, that is what one gets for thinking!

New Year's Eve is always pressure filled (read my entry from last year for confirmation) but it can also present a very nice opportunity for things to just "magically" happen...you know that magical kiss at midnight business....Yes, I've been watching holiday movies again.  Anyhow, Hallmark created expectations set aside, it seemed like the perfect time for the Hot Electrician and I to at least be at the same place at the same time again...especially since his relationship was over now.  So, off we went with our plans (granted, way late in the week) and a party was planned.  Perfect!  Now, what to wear.

Of course, I spent hours telling myself to not get my hopes up as really he never instigates the text conversations and obviously knows my number.  But, in conversations with my friend, we decided that women just are better at the whole text flirting thing...Maybe I should have been watching "He's Just Not That Into You"  instead of Kiss at Christmas or Boyfriend for Christmas or well, anything with Christmas in the title.  But, I was caught up the excitement of it all...even made plans to have my eye make up done all sexy like.

Let's revisit the previous paragraph now though as we overlooked one small detail....he was having his own party!  Seriously!!!  And, the guests at the different parties would not be the kind you could mix together into one...it would be like putting onions into the fruit bowl with apples...it just makes everything taste bad.  What dopes!  So much for the planned spontaneity of a NYE kiss.

Maybe I should be seeing this as a sign...he doesn't start the texts (and sometimes doesn't answer them) and our plans for a chance sighting is completely stopped in its tracks...hmm....anyone else see a pattern here?  And, I always thought I was smart!  But, somehow I still think we're supposed to at least go out...don't ask me to explain my logic, I just think it!

New Year's Eve still turned out to be a blast ....with great friends, yummy food and tons of laughs...reminding me that for all that I may not have, I have what I need...and, who knows, maybe 2012 will be the real start of my new life.