A sign of the times

It has been months since the kids and I made the two and a half hour trek over the river and through the woods to Grandmother's house (or in reality over the mountains and through the valley to my sister's house) so decided it was time.  We had a rare one basketball game weekend, knew my mom and step dad would be traveling to Maine in a few months and well, just felt we needed to go.  We packed the car with the essentials: snacks, warm clothes, lots of booze and off we went.  The kids and I love road trips together and actually have a great time so the trip up was fun, lots of singing, laughing and a stop at Starbucks, of course. Very rarely on these trips with them do I wish for a co-pilot as the three of us have created a comfortable life together so I relish the moments like this.

We arrive in time for lunch with my mom, step dad and nephew (yes, the organic herb growing nephew) and within a matter of minutes I am reminded why it has been months since I have been up here.  There is never an easy example to share as to why my mother drives me crazy but more just a non-stop litany of veiled comments and understated digs.  Considering it was lunch time and I still had to drive my children to my sister's, I couldn't drink anything stronger than a Diet Coke so by the time we left, my normal very low blood pressure was actually climbing steadily.  But, as I often remind myself, she is my mother and almost 70 so I need to appreciate the time with her.

Fast forward a few hours and a couple drinks later and my whole local family was together for dinner and this is one of the times I both miss having someone by my side and, at the same time wonder if anyone would appreciate the various personalities that make my family mine.  I realize all families have issues but when they are your family's issues, you are more protective of the personalities and quirks that make them tick.  I actually tried to picture the hot electrician there (I know, I know...we've never even had a date!!!!) and well, I could.  I couldn't picture Tony Soprano (but then again, I can't picture me with Tony Soprano) and well, didn't want to picture a lifetime of just me either. But, then again, it was a good reminder that I won't settle as I watch my 25 year old cousin on her second marriage, raising her 3 children and always being exhausted and listen to her mom, my aunt, who loves her 3rd husband but whose unemployment makes life tough.  It also shows that you never know who will be the ones to make it as my sister and her husband of 17 years who weren't supposed to make it down the aisle now have the big 2-0 in their sights. And, hey, who doesn't like a reminder that sometimes marriages actually do work!

After about 28 hours, we all met again for a quick lunch and we were off...and, as I drove through the adorable gold rush town, I actually got a little misty eyed.  Misty eyed because these visits just remind me of how close my mom and I aren't, and how sad that makes me.  Misty eyed because as much as I love living in the Bay Area, I really do believe I was meant for a more traditional setting, and misty eyed because I really did just turn 43 and is content really what I want to be.

But, off we went and headed toward our family's halfway lunch time spot of Chevy's...a restaurant where we have celebrated birthdays, holidays, trips, everything for years as it was halfway between the two towns and the kids and I look forward to the familar setting and memories that come with every meal.  We pulled in, were a little surprised by the empty parking lot and were completely floored by the big sign on the door that announced they were closed.  Not closed for the day, not for remodeling but closed, as in forever.  It hit me hard!  Not because we couldn't find another place to eat.  Nor because we don't have a Chevy's in almost every town near us.  But, because it really did signify a need for a change to me.  It was an actual sign that traditions and memories are good but it may just be time to try something new. 

Don't expect me to completely give up my old comforts, and won't close the door on nostalgia but maybe, just maybe, I'll start venturing out on new adventures.

Thanks for a great evening

One of my favorite lines from "Pretty Woman" is when Julia Roberts says to Richard Gere "If I forget to tell you later, I had a really good time tonight" as they set off on their first "real date".  It is the type of line you want to remember to say to someone before what you know is going to be a very special occasion, but usually forget until the evening is over and then, well, it just kind of loses its punch.  I thought about that line often over the weekend and actually thought about writing my blog for this week before today so I could just give you a glowing report of the last of my birthday celebrations, before the night even happened.  Yes, I realize that isn't reality but again, haven't we figured out that reality is sometimes overrated?

But, I have to say, I'm glad I didn't write this entry early as reality was actually just as good as fantasy land...even if the subject matter might differ just a tad.  I think a trend has started this year with the number of unanswered prayers and getting what I need, even if it isn't exactly the same as what I want.

With a week that included Valentine's Day, the fact I didn't start a new online dating profile or camp outside BevMo for refills, is really cause for celebration so that alone would make me happy.  Granted, I have to admit, I've never been a big sucker for Heart Day but even a lifelong cynic can sometimes get a little touch of the weepy eye when I think about the fact this is the 3rd year in a row where I didn't at least buy a risque card to give to someone.  I guess I could have just bought the card and given it to my girlfriend and told her to pretend she was my Hawaii Five-O hottie...The things our friends do for us.


Anyhow, I helped counsel a friend through the dreaded 14th and then planned the festivities for the end of my birthday month (y'all thought I was kidding about the month thing, didn't you?).  Friday night found me dressed to the nines  and hanging with my GBFF again at his theater company. As we've discussed before, the best way for a pick me up is to dress up and hang out with gay guys.  They're all about the compliments!!  And, when you are feeling a little puffy and not very hot, compliments, even from gay guys, can make your day!

Of course, 24 hours later as I was getting dressed for dinner with my dating boss, her husband, another friend and the Hot Electrician, those compliments were no where to be found.  My jeans were too tight, the shirt I picked showed every extra lump (and not the good kind) and my left eye looked like a relative of the vampires from Twilight.  Not exactly the image I was going for.  But, with the get ready music playing and a Jack & Diet in my hand, I did a little dance in the bathroom and headed for a night of laughter and fun! 

While there were no fireworks this time (literal or figurative), the night reminded me again of why there is just this connection between us.  We make each other laugh and I believe he totally gets my sarcasm (my 2nd language) and from the occasional glances I caught him stealing, he either does find me attractive or he was counting the new wrinkles I know I got for my 43rd birthday. Considering the second thought is not nearly as flattering, I am going to just go with the first and think that yes, he does feel something too.  But, I also believe the situation is a little complicated as I am one of his sister's best friends, his parents like me and I do quite a bit with the family.  For a man not interested in commitment, could you find a worse combination?  Probably not!  But, I actually am a patient person (sometimes) and just believe that at some point in time, we really will date and will probably do it very well. Granted, I also believed I was supposed to stay with Alex and believed my Hokies weren't going to choke in the Sugar Bowl so my track record isn't stellar.  We'll ignore those failures for now though and just think, that yes, there is a tie there and only time (and occasional scheming) will tell.

You will all be happy to know that this is the last of my birthday month entries and I will go back to thinking it isn't all about me. Well, at least for the next 11 months.

Another candle on the cake

I love birthdays...I know I have written those exact words before but it is true. I like for people to shower me with good wishes and smiles. Well, I like that every day but for some reason, it isn't an ordinary occurence. But, while I would love to analyze why people don't just applaud as I walk by, that isn't the subject of this blog today.

I am part of a book club with a group of moms from the kids' school...yes, the same group of moms I talk about sometimes but I really do like a couple of them and consider them great friends, and well, the others, often provide the reassurance I need that even with the struggles I have, at least I am not them. I know that sounds horrible but really, it isn't undeserved. However, this past Friday we discussed The Alchemist, which made me truly sit back and think. One of the segments discussed not worrying about the future as it really is out of your control. All you can do is live in the present. Granted, this was stated by a nomad in the desert who really had no future to think of so living in the present was his only option.

Yet, today as I gave in to a bit of melancholy for setting myself up to be disappointed today and worrying about spending next year's birthday without a plus one, I thought that maybe the desert man who spoke to the birds and camels might have had it right. Birthdays really shouldn't be a day of reflection as the idea you are one year older isn't always a reason for celebration...once you are past 21, the only highlights are qualifying for your AARP card at 50 and well...hmm...I'm blanking on any others.

However, I still found myself today getting a little teary as I drove my little man and his best friend to their 2nd basketball of the game. In addition to being inexplicably sad that I didn't hear from Alex (I know, I know...believe me, I know) or the hot electrician...who, in his defense, probably doesn't know my birthday qualifies for national holiday status in my book, I was saddenned by the fact that after 10 hours in the gym watching basketball (which I wouldn't change for the world), I didn't have someone to turn to and say "okay, now you can take me to dinner".

Of course, the previous paragraph doesn't explain why I should live in the moment if I am talking about moments that were less than stellar. But, really, if I am honest, living for today really would help my sanity when I get like this. I should relish in the fact my incredible little super star scored 30+ points this weekend, my adorable fire cracker planned my birthday dinner all by herself and I am completely surrounded by amazing friends and family (who really don't have to claim me any more). Why lose sleep about bills that are coming up as things have a way of working out. Don't focus on the fact you are still 20 pounds away from your goal weight; celebrate the fact you have been working out every day for a month now. Enjoy the moments that make up every day as they are the ones who provide the smiles and the sighs.

I know I won't become completely at peace with my current status in life but I really will start trying to stress less and enjoy more. This is where I am supposed to be at this current age and for that I will be content. It worked for the nomads, it should work for a 5'2" package of sass and spice.

Life According to the Rolling Stones

The Big Chill is in my top 10 movies of all time. Think about it: it is set in the south (and I’ve seen the house in person), it is about a group of college friends who are revisiting feelings and issues from the past (nostalgia at its finest) and the soundtrack completely rocks! I often find myself thinking “You can’t always get what you want, but you get what you need” should be tattooed across my brain. And, really, recently, it is more appropriate than ever.


I certainly can’t complain about my life, which is entirely my point, actually. My children are amazing. My salary gets me by. My friends and family are there for me at a drop of a hat. And, my life is incredibly full. But, even so, there are still times I really do want just a little more. And, that is when I realize I may not get what I want, but I get what I need.

What I wanted was Alex to miss me terribly, call and let me be the one to say “sorry, too little too late”. What I needed was someone to remind me he has no effect on my life any more and that I did make the right choice to walk away. What I wanted was for the Hot Electrician to come to my Super Bowl party. What I needed was to have an incredibly enjoyable afternoon with great friends and family and to receive a few fun texts from him over the next few days. What I wanted was to feel something more for Tony Soprano or for him to have been more of what I was looking for. What I needed was to just get my flirty fix with a great guy (who meets most of my criteria) in VA who thinks my sass and personality make me “the complete package”.

Garth Brooks sings it much more eloquently (and without drug references) in his song “Unanswered Prayers” but the sentiment is still the same…there is a reason why we end up with our without certain people in our lives. And, we do end up with what we need. And, for me, right now, I guess I need to just continue to live my life one day at a time, with no qualms about the fact I don’t have a + one yet…even though I will be 43 on Sunday. I need to focus on the fact I do have choices and that I am not alone in this world.

And really, one day, I will be thanking God for all of my unanswered prayers…and I will be surrounded by what I truly need.