The Fast Pass at Disneyland is a must have...anyone who has ever gone to the Happiest Place on Earth knows this to be true. Alex and I discovered it when we took the kids on a surprise trip to the Land of Mickey several years ago and now swear by it. You skip the lines and get on your ride of choice with no wait time. Seriously, an amusement park dream. Unfortunately, I think I have created the same type of insta ride with my own emotional roller coasters. I definitely like the Disney version much better.
My son turned twelve last week...which as all mother's know can bring tears to your eyes faster than cutting up onions for Italian family night. I looked at him and was immediately hit with a sense of loss ...so proud of who he has become and will grow in to; but miss my sweet chubby adoring little boy. And, while Alex wasn't his dad, I could always turn to him with my slobbering nose and weepy eyes and get a little support. I tried to share the moment with my former husband, as he is my son's father, but it doesn't quite work with his "player" mentality. And, Amazon Girlfriend's insecurity chip is so big that any mention of the fact we share children sends her into a scene stealing tailspin so it just isn't worth it. But, he is a year away from being a teenager, and I am still no closer to finding someone(who I trust, who has the items on the list, who makes me forget Alex) to share this adventure with.
However, as we really do try to keep their lives as normal as possible, we did do the whole happy extended family get together for his birthday. A scene from The Godfather couldn't have included more tense moments or awkward silences. Amazon showed up with a point to make (she'd already changed her Facebook profile pic to one of she and MY son) but decided to make it wearing skin tight white jeans (BEFORE Memorial Day, mind you), low cut top, bling designed to make Princess Kate jealous and 5 inch open toed spike heels. I'm not sure she was there to wish a 12 year old a happy year or recreate Marilyn's Happy Birthday Mr. President scene. It was seriously over the top. Add to the outfit the loud laugh and constant fawning over my former husband and, you now have one of those moments where, as content as I say I am, I would have given up jelly beans for a year if I could have had my version of Mr. Wonderful to turn to with an eye roll and a request for a full wine glass. I divorced this man for goodness sake, so why actually do I have to endure one minute of his lame taste in girlfriends, let alone an entire evening. However, as I watched my 12 year old vision of kindness and beautiful blue eyes blow out his candles with a huge smile for me, I knew the ulcered stomach and clenched teeth were worth it.
While I know these emotional ups and downs aren't unique to me, and I can't claim zero responsibility for the life I am currently leading, I just wouldn't mind a sign to say this isn't all there is. And, to risk another Disney analogy, I don't want to always be in the Single Rider line. I wouldn't mind a hint that says there is someone with gorgeous eyes, strong arms and an amazing smile who wants to be my rock and partner for horrible evenings and incredible journeys.
I know my longtime BFF is going to read this and think I'm asking her to remind me I'm cute and fun and some guy will be so lucky to have me...but really, I'm just writing it because I made the mistake of watching one too many chick flicks this week and now am wishing I were Jennifer Lopez being wooed by the gorgeous leading actor from Hawaii Five-O. Tomorrow I will be off the emotional roller coaster and on to something much more tame...like Winnie the Pooh's Big Adventure but for now, I'm just going to grab a tissue and hang on.
