Weekend Wind Down

There's nothing like a wedding to make you contemplate your current situation and reevaluate decisions you have made.  It was actually a wedding 6 years ago that made me realize my former husband and I were not going to make it to the Golden Years together.  As we sat in the pew, with enough room for two more people between us, it hit me that the counseling sessions, the tears, the promises to try harder couldn't make two people fall in love again.  Or, even for the first time, especially since they were more in love with the idea of each other than the person themselves to begin with.

This weekend I was among a fortunate few who witnessed a dear friend find love for the 2nd time in her life.  After a very painful divorce and a few stumbles, she met an incredible man who completely adored her, and her adorable daughter.  I truly couldn't be happier for her...but, of course, there was that small part of me who stood there and wondered (not without some jealousy), if I would ever meet someone else. And worse yet, was did I want to, more specifically, someone other than Alex. 

I hate that I miss him...especially after over a year and lots of tears, but I do. And, I hate that deep down I know he is going to marry the 8th dwarf.  Eventually, he will decide he isn't getting any younger and will submit to his fear of being alone.  And, I know, if I am still in the single category, it is going to require a lot more than a glass of wine and 2 pound bag of jelly beans to help me recover.  Not an experience I am looking forward to. Especially, since really, the vision of the 2 of them is just not pretty.  C'mon do they even make wedding gowns for trolls?  Sorry, an attack of the catty Tourret's.

Then, to top it off, as I drove from the wedding to my son's basketball game (mom's have to multi-task), I hit a freeway flirting low.  I was feeling all good about myself when two vehicles passed by and did the complete double take, even a little wave from one of them...And then I realized as I smiled at vehicle number 3 (who didn't smile back) that I must be losing my touch.  The first two smiles were from guys in beat up trucks who could have been body doubles in Deliverance...not exactly dating material.  Let's not spend too much time on the fact that NO ONE ever dates someone they smiled at as they drove past at 70 miles an hour.  This is me feeling sorry for myself here.  And, of course, the 3rd guy was in a brand new Range Rover... I also didn't even begin to think that maybe he was just a happily married guy on his way to his family...No, this was a complete slap in the face on a day I didn't need it.  And people wondered why I was in therapy for so many years.

Well, by Sunday night, I'm over the slight on the freeway, and my stomach didn't clench at the thought of Alex but I do feel as if I've been kidding myself thinking I was over him.  Although, right now, I'm going to look on the bright side and remember, that every time I have a tough weekend, I am soooo motivated to work out on Monday morning. And, at this moment, I'll take that as a plus.