No safety net

I realized long ago two important facts.  One, sunshine makes me incredibly happy, singing out loud, dancing in my back yard happy.  And, two, Nicholas Sparks books were written with one sole purpose, to make women cry.  Not just cute sniffles and one lone tear down your cheek cry but full belly heaving, streak inducing sobbing jags.  Now, imagine my dilemma when those two facts of life collide on an otherwise uneventful Sunday, with me reading a Nicholas Sparks books while sitting outside on a gorgeous almost Spring-like day.  The end result: you find me inhaling jelly beans like they are air, all the while cursing myself as I am going to have to enter these horrid calories in my Fitness Pal later this evening.  But, I justify them by saying one, they are practically like fruit and two, crying must burn at least 100 calories, right?  As you all know, justification is definitely a strong suit of mine.  But, as we also know, jelly beans seem to induce many of my epiphanies. 

I have come to the very sad realization that I really have been living life on the safe side of the street lately.  I know safety isn't always a bad thing.  Wearing your seat belt is smart, motorcycle helmets were invented for a reason and well, I've yet to find one good reason for ever wanting to jump out of a perfectly good airplane to attempt sky diving.  So, I'm not saying I am advocating throwing all caution to the wind and becoming one of those thrill seekers who can't find a company to insure them.  No, I'm just saying, to quote the personal trainer of a friend of mine "you are hiding in that safe body", but to me, I'm hiding in the safety of arm distance relationships.  Although, really, I am probably hiding in this safe body as well...but I promise I am trying (with the exception of today's complete jelly bean backpedal).

It isn't that I have avoiding dating since I left Alex, but as it has been pointed out to me on numerous occasions, I really have dated the wrong guys.  I've dated the right now guys, the guys who I really have no worry about falling for, hence not getting hurt.  And, my latest distraction is no different.  Although at least two readers will be cheering the fact that Operation CM which we started well over a year ago actually has traction, even they will admit me having a long distance flirting relationship with a man who will most likely never live in the same time zone as me, is fruitless...and then, obviously safe!  Yes, it is nice to have a guy, even one who lives 3000 miles away, send you fun flirty texts to make you smile.  But, it isn't like I am actually going to have to take down any walls for him.  Heck, if that is all I wanted, I wouldn't have to worry about eating jelly beans for breakfast, lunch, and dinner as I'd never see him. 

So, in addition to cutting back on the empty calories and exercising (actual exercise) 6 days a week, I have decided to add a little more excitement to my life. Not quite dangerous excitement, but more getting back on the roller coaster, stomach fluttering, heart racing kind of excitement.  The kind that means that yes, I might get hurt, but also means I am not just sitting back and letting life happen around me.  A few girlfriends and I went out to hear a band last night as part of my entertainment chair duties for the festival I am involved in, and the lead singer joked that the "Reserved" sign he had placed on the table for us actually meant it was for reserved women.  And, while we all laughed at the comment, it hit home a little.  Being safe obviously isn't getting me any closer to the life I envision someday so a change needs to be made.

I am not saying I am going to jump all over the chance to go out with the nice looking but drunk former professional football player who said to me last night "When you get back, and are ready to date, look me up" even though he was the one leaving town today, but if he does do his homework to ask me out, I just might say yes.  And, instead of waiting for the Hot Electrician to realize he really does want to make the first move, I actually stepped up our texting friendship a little and was pleasantly surprised by the open door he left.  Yes, he is definitely one who could make me question my decision to ride the scream inducing roller coasters and head back to the Dumbo ride, but isn't the danger what makes it worth it?  We all enjoy the meandering and pleasant rides at Disneyland, but we know the exhilaration we feel when we get off of the Matterhorn is why we go back.  And, well, I am ready to go back to Disneyland.