I apologize for being gone so long but I just didn't feel like I had anything newsworthy to write about...it was just my normal day to day craziness. I know, that for some of you, my normal insanity is humorous so I promise to write down some of the more memorable situations in the near future. However, tonight, I just felt the need to unload or unleash.
For months I have been doing okay...actually, more than okay, I've truly been happy. My life has been full with friends, kids, family and, of course, my 4 legged constant companions so while I may not have found someone to share my life with, my life has certainly not been empty. Then, today, like my body had some sort of internal memory clock, I realized this weekend will mark 2 years since I moved out of Alex's house and the life I thought would be mine forever. And, just like it was happening all over again, my stomach clenched, my heart ached and I again longed for the love I truly thought would never end. And, truthfully, that love obviously hasn't; even if our life together has. I do think I have come to grips with the fact, and I know this bothers friends and family, I will always love him. The family and friends of Alex who read this know I definitely gave him my heart and soul and I am not sure I ever really got it back.
I heard from a mutual friend today as well who told me that he and the 8th dwarf do seem to be happy together; and the mature side of me really wants to wish them well, but there is that part of me that wonders how he doesn't just miss me terribly every minute of the day. Hello?! This is me we're talking about here. Okay, my sense of humor and relatively healthy ego is still in check. That same side also takes a sick pleasure out of the fact I know she still is bugged by just the thought of me. The tell tale sign showed up on my LinkedIn profile last week when the recent history posted she had been viewing my profile. Yes, I am still here and no I haven't gained 100 pounds (just 15). But, really, contrary to how this sounds, I'm not bitter. I'm just hoping there is a man out there who can remind me what it feels like to be loved, and in turn be in love. I think I need that. Unfortunately, as my BFF points out, I want this on my time, not God's time. Well, God, you think you could give me a little sign about how long we're talking about...are we talking a short basketball game type length or an extra innings baseball game type length. I mean those are a little different.
But, just when I start to get a little mopey, the universe slaps me upside the head with a reality check and I realize how incredibly fortunate I am. I do know what true love feels like, I do have amazing children and my life is one many people look on and appreciate and I need to remember that. As part of a work function tonight (which I was dreading) we heard from Congresswoman Jackie Speier. Her story is one I've known for years as she was shot 5 times as a young congressional aide during the Jonestown mass murder/suicide situation and has endured miscarriages, the death of her husband while being 3 months pregnant and so much more. And, while as a politician she has always bugged me, as a person you can not help but admire her strength, perseverance and outlook on life. Never take a day for granted and wake up tomorrow with a renewed appreciation of all you have.
So, I will give myself a moment to be sad but will then wake up remembering that over the past two years I have gotten stronger, even more outgoing than I was before, more devoted to my children, and most of all, more sure of what I deserve in this life. Thank you all for being there with me as I continue to discover the joy in my next steps.
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