I hate when I go so long between blogs because then I feel like I have to be extra entertaining for you to want to come back again, or I need to have a litany of exciting adventures I have experienced lately to explain my absence. Unfortunately I feel I may fail at both but at least I am back and apologize for being away.
The life of a single working mom of two active pre-teen kids is busy enough but you throw in volunteer work and then even the inkling of having a life of your own and really, you run out of day long before you run out of things to do. I have great intentions of being able to work off these extra 20 pounds, spend time with my girlfriends who are going through a time of transition and oh yeah, maybe having time to meet someone, let alone have a relationship with him. But, in all honesty, I wouldn’t trade this for being bored and depressed any day of the week so I’ll just up my Starbucks intake.
While my absence was not filled with crazy antics or hours of romance with Hottie McHottie from Hawaii Five-0, I did meet up with a starring actor in a few blog posts from the past. You used to know him as Cutie but I just can’t handle that name (nor could I then) so, in honor of his motorcycle, we’re calling him Mr. Kawasaki. I know, not very original, but it makes me feel less like I'm talking about either a toddler or one of those Clementine tangerines so it's all good!
Anyhow, one of my events for work had me in his facility a few weeks back, and since we'd been emailing again lately, we decided to meet for a quick hi. I was feeling somewhat cute (and not overly fat) so was game for a glass of wine at his place. And, if we all remember, he met several of the items on the list, he's hot, smart, spells all of his texts correctly, drives a truck, likes football, but was minus a few very important ones...he is 9 years younger than me which really covers a lot. But, it was just a glass of wine, right? Oh yeah...the wine led to a little more but that is when I realized I'm really way too self conscious about my body to ever enjoy being with someone again. So, if I'm not going to be comfortable, how am I ever going to believe someone really wants me?
I realize how that sounds, and know there are feminist self help gurus freaking out all over the globe about my lack of self esteem, ignorance about the true woman's body, the horrors of the Barbie generation on the pysche of women (or is that just what my mother would say?) but this is the way I feel. Logically I know Mr. Kawasaki is hot so, really, it isn't like he's desperate and is willing to be all over the first woman he sees. But, to the 42 year old woman who doesn't like her reflection in the mirror, guys just must like action. Why do we do this to ourselves? And, even though I had a great time with him, and smiled the whole way home that night, the way I always do after seeing him, why do I feel like he didn't wake up with a smile the next day like I did? I know men and women are wired differently so why be surprised?!
Mr. Kawasaki has never been what I'm looking for in the forever sense of the world so why should I care if he is pining over me or not? It is because it is what we do. We talk big (I know I do) but we want to be wanted, loved, missed, etc...and while we can understand the male psyche (some of us more than others) we are still from Venus. So, instead of beating myself up for wanting him to call for a next date, I'm going to try to remind myself this was a 18 month flirtation that really does show me you never know what can happen and people may enter your life at a time that isn't right, but just may visit again later. Hey, I know it is pushing it on the philosophy side of things but it is what is making me smile tonight...that and a glass of Sterling Chardonnay.
So glad your back! I've missed reading. xoxo
ReplyDeletego be naked for a while. get comfortable in your skin. you'll be amazed at how good you will feel.
ReplyDeleteYou are who you are. Stop trying to change it or putting your thoughts into someone else's head. Perhaps he woke up fearful that the older woman just thought of him as a boy toy and not serious or mature enough to embark upon a real relationship?
Okay, now to print this and read it to myself every morning. LOL
Women are terrible about being okay with their bodies, their choices, their lives...or is it just me? ;-) I think I keep trying to be all hip and cool with the divorcee lifestyle but at heart I'm a woman wanting the "Woman with You" feeling of that Kenny Chesney song. But, I love that I get to share these experiences with my y'all. It really does feel good.
ReplyDeleteI think it would be rare to find a woman who would say her body is ok. Even some of the women who lead the excersize class I was in felt like they had a lot to improve on and they are size 2. I doubt this will ever change so we are just going to have to suck it up and make changes or be satified with who we are.(this is what i tell myself anyway) Of course, i am going to say you are beautiful the way you are because I think you really are! Glad you are back. Missed ya!
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