I realize my posts have become very sporadic and I apologize for the decrease. However, I have a small dilemma of being a pretty private person while also trying to keep you entertained with my escapades. When it was a completely anonymous blog, that worked but as more of you know who I am and who I could at times be writing about, it became more difficult. So, just know that if anything humorous or newsworthy happens, I’ll let you in on it…in time.
As someone who has been very fortunate to have lived a very happy life, I haven’t had to recognize many sad anniversaries. I think about my grandparents on their birthdays, and will think about the miscarriages I have had but don’t have days that mark a tragedy. Except for one. And, really, it isn’t a tragedy, but 3 years after my move from Alex’s house, this weekend still marks an anniversary for me…and one I can’t help but think about. And, that pisses me off!
Yes, harsh words from someone who considers “sugar fries” her only swear word. But, I think I am pissed for numerous reasons. One, financially, I’m still struggling to recover from that decision and every month think about how stupid I was…but, hey, it is only money, right?
Second, how is it that 3 years later I still am alone? I realize this isn’t actually a bad thing…and, it is partly by choice. As my dating boss just recently told me, I could have a date any night of the week if I really wanted it…but is that what I’m looking for? No!! I want someone who gets me, understands what I need and wants me in my life…like a lot!
And, finally, and this is the one that probably makes me madder than anything else, I realize that I was forever changed by my time with Alex. Yes, every situation we are in, every relationship we have, leaves a small mark on us but this relationship completely changed my love armor. I used to be tough, walls taller than that famous one in China and truly, I didn’t worry if someone was going to break my heart because I never stuck around long enough for it to happen. That person has been replaced by someone whose skin isn’t as thick, who has long bouts of insecurity and can’t seem to find body armor that covers her heart. And, I have to tell you, that really bugs me! Yes, it is probably good to feel and not be heartless where men are concerned but not if it means I can get hurt, right? I felt fine being the love em and leave em kind of gal before! (okay, maybe my therapy bill was much higher then but my wine bill was less!)
Don’t worry, I’m not regretting my decision to leave…I swear! I’m just using this anniversary to wonder what is in store for me next…and really, why can’t I just direct it to be exactly what I want?